I'm pretty certain one of us has BPD, but for some reason when i go to think about it, i can't distinguish who has it. I don't know if it's because my bad memory (especially short term) or just a blurry mind, but i can't tell. Maybe it's normal, for atleast some, for their alters to sort of blend together. Or maybe it's just me, for the reasons i said. Or maybe it's because we are so alike? But it's hard to even tell that. We don't have problems reading other people, we're really good at that, but when it comes to something like this, it's difficult. I can't seem to distinguish anything between us, and it's frustrating. It's hard for me to tell what thoughts are mine or his sometimes. I wish this could be fixed somehow, and cleared up. I wonder if anyone else experiences this, and/or knows how to help. I just get shy to post on the forums sometimes, especially so often. Plus Duke always gets on my case if it gets no replies, if someone tells me someone's already posted something similar, if there are replies but no help, etc. So a double-edged sword i guess.

I have a binging/purging disorder. I never used to have this until around may of this year. I've never been fat or anything, I've always maintained between 120-130 at 5'2". I am a cheerleader and my mom always puts pressure on me to be skinny if I wanted to be a cheerleader in college. I actually got pretty skinny (the healthy way) in around may before I got this disorder. I was very fit and very proud of myself. Then, high school graduation came along and so did the parties. I went to the parties and found myself eating all sorts of crap that I never eat. My diet consists of VERY healthy things. So around this time is when I discovered the two finger diet... and ever since then it has gotten worse. Now, I see a tray of cookies, and instead of doing it the healthy way and just having one, I have SEVERAL and just tell myself to throw it up afterwards. I DO NOT want to be this way anymore. I have tried everything. I don't want to tell my parents... all I need is someone to remind me daily that I do not need to be doing this. That's all I need. I don't think I need therapy or anything... just someone that knows and that can check up on me every day or so and ask if I have. That way I won't do it. Any takers?

Since my diagnosis a few months ago, I have done loads of research on BPD, Bipolar, Dissociative disorders, Schizoaffective, Schizophrenia, and numerous other disorders, but mainly focused on BPD due to my own personal diagnosis. I have watched nearly all the youtube videos, and read countless discussions, forums, descriptions, common diagnosis that can be dualed with BPD and have become somewhat confused.... At first I was so sure that I finally had an answer... But the more I read and watched videos the more I became sure that people were either describing it inaccurately, had a much less severe case, or just generally had no clue what they were talking about.
Finally, I came across a video that explained the likenesses between BPD and Dissociative Identity Disorder.. I listened and understood it all... The more I read about the Dissociative Identity Disorder the more I became certain that I had it... I have 95% of the symptoms listed and can completely relate to the feelings of disassociating completely, feeling completely zero emotion whatsoever, having the ability to shut down pain as soon as I begin to feel uncomfortable, having a face that can't be read and is completely stoic, experiencing daily amnesia trying to recall exactly how my day had gone and extreme amnesia regarding days before and tons of missing childhood memory, occasionally feeling as if I'm watching myself go but I'm not really the one in control, feeling like the world around me doesn't feel real (like I'm floating through a dream even though I know that I am not), looking at myself in the mirror in strange, psychotic ways as though it isn't even me that I'm looking at... (I hate when I do that!!!) Being easily startled by things that I constantly think that I see out of the corner of my eye but when I look nothing is there (it makes me jump and my heart races every time), having a negative reel of feedback inside my head when I am doing something and feel annoyed/disgusted with someone or am pushing myself to work "faster, faster, faster". Occasionally being unsure of whether the things I experienced actually happened in a dream, and I have literally experienced my whole demeanor/sentence structure/posture change at the snap of a finger many times because of what kind of situation I am in. As if the perfect Brittany shows up to take over and keep things from messing up. It was less than a week ago and it was such a drastic, immediate change that I was actually about to notice that it had happened. My boyfriend was sitting next to me during it all and I couldn't figure out why he was looking at my like he hadn't met me before. It wasn't until later that I reflected on what I had done....
And I experience every other symptom characterized as a DID symptom ASIDE FROM:
-Finding myself in places that and being unsure how I got there
-Finding things I have bought that I don't remember purchasing
-Seeing/hearing things that aren't there (although I'm not sure if what I mentioned before would actually qualify and seeing/hearing things)


After this realization and countless hours of research, I finally decided to do the unmentionable and take a few online quizzes. Of course, with BPD quizzes, I always qualify. And with Bipolar disorder quizzes and Mania testing, I always qualify...
But the DID quizzes are a little different..... They take your results and score you from 0-100, 30 and above usually means you could qualify for a diagnosis of DID....And that [b]most[/b] people who have been clinically diagnosed with DID score in the 40's. My score was 45 every time.
I am convinced I have DID and have either been misdiagnosed with BPD or have a dual-diagnosis. I also struggle with an eating disorder, which is common with Dissociative Identity Disorder (as well as others, but as you can tell, I'm pretty convinced that I've got DID).



What do you guys think???? Please give me feedback because I really need it. It's why I am here. ...

[ Continued ]

First of all I would like to apologize because this is going to be really long so I would like to say I really appreciate you reading this till the end and trying to help.

Since november I have been having flashbacks and thoughts of everything I have done wrong in my life, and now that I think about it those things are absolutely horrible.

To start with typical things normal people would have heard of before, I've done things like cheating on boyfriends, lying to parents, sneaking out etc... I lost my virginity at 15 years old with a 21 year old guy and also had sex with a 28 year old who lied to me about his age, which disgusts me when I thought about it.

Now more weird things, as a kid, I would always lie. I would like about everything. I would lie about having cancer, about having relationships with celebrities ( I would even make fake accounts and catfish people) , about being anorexic, i even catfished a real person in real life to show people and pretend he was flirting with me. I lied about having a brother that died, about people I knew, places I went to etc... I don't know why, can anyone help me figure out why I would like so much?

Now the darkest part is sexual. As a child I remember making my dog eat me out. Of course at that time I didn't really know what i was doing but now i see it's bestiality and I can't get over what I did. Likewise, I've been recalling sexual games I would play as a kid which really mess with my mind. I remember licking my cousins' vagina because she said she wanted me to. I also remenber pretending to be asleep while my cousins and sisters licked my breasts because I liked the feeling of it. Is this sexual abuse? Also, I remember once i asked my sister to touch me down there and my dad walked in the room before she did and stopped us. I don't know what to do about this because everytime I see my sister all i think about is if i sexually abused her and why I would do something like that with her.

So when recalling all those wrong things I have been really bad anxiety since and I'm not too sure what's happening. Along with his comes thoughts I don't want to have that I just can't stop. I keep on thinking in my head that I have been raped and my body feels so unsafe even though I know it isnt true, the feeling is still there. I get thoughts about harming people and myself all of the time, I get thoughts about violence and sexual stuff, and i don't know why. I have read online that this might be OCD which could make sense as I recall having weird 'if i don't do this then this will happen" things as a child. For example:

" If i don't run down the corridor in less than 10 seconds then my mum will die in the future"

a lot of games like that in my head that I see now might have been the start of this.

I just do not understand at all what is going on in my head right now and why these thoughts don't stop. I can't figure out if i have been raped or if it's my imagination playing with me because i have no memory and i have been to the extent of asking family members who said no and gave me support. I can't figure out why i started thinking about all my mistakes all of a sudden. Please help me figure out whats happening?

I unfriended my depressed friend. She was very demanding and refused to accept criticisms, but she tried to be a friend, and that's what makes me feel guilty. She has depression and anxiety, but I'm not the kind of person who's patient and understanding enough to deal with someone who gets angry at constructive criticisms and isn't willing to help herself. She asked me if I only befriended her out of pity, and I said "yeah a little" because I'm a very straightforward person and I'm not a very "empathetic" person per say, and yes that's a horrible thing to say, but I wanted out of the friendship that made me so anxious and unhappy all the time. Our friendship lasted for about 2 years, which was rather long considering that I only befriended her out of pity. It ended unhappily, with her telling me that I was selfish, but I know I couldn't put up a fake front anymore and I feel more liberated than sorry. Can someone tell me if what I did was right? Ending the friendship? I wanted to be a more understanding friend as well and attempted to make it last, but she really made me lose my head, any advice on that?